


Shameful

by RainHarmonia



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Edelgard just wants to hold Hubert's hand, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Self-Hatred, but Hubert doesn't think he deserves it, is this how tagging works, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26207596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainHarmonia/pseuds/RainHarmonia
Summary: His hands had seemed to turn to ice beneath his gloves. He should have been able to reach her, to rescue her from whatever had happened.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Shameful

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Brief mention of self-harm. It's just a single sentence, but please do be careful if that's a sensitive topic for you.

There were large first times, the kind that stuck with people until their end, and there were small first times, the kind that seemed so normal or inconsequential that they faded from memory. The first time of Edelgard reaching for him, their hands catching and intertwining so perfectly, was of the latter variety. Or perhaps it had simply happened so early in their lives that neither she nor Hubert could recall. That didn’t matter; the first time was not important, nor was the second, or the third. As children, they had spent more times than could be counted walking or sitting with each other, hands clasped. No, what mattered were the times approaching the last, so painfully easy to count down to.  


They had been playing a game in the gardens. Hide-and-seek, if he recalled correctly (and he always did). It was nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing about that day should have made it stand out so clearly for the years to come. They had only been children, blissfully unaware of the world about to come crashing down around them. Hubert had tucked himself away as best he could underneath a bush, leaving just the smallest glimpse of the toes of his shoes in plain view. He was certain he could hide in a way that he would never be found, but this was only a game, and Edelgard would get so happy when she found him that he couldn’t help but try to expedite the process a little bit.  


Sure enough, after several minutes had ticked by, his lady had made her way to his bush. One of her feet tapped against his, and Hubert had crawled out into the open. He could even remember having taken the time to pluck any stray leaves or twigs from his hair before standing up, because the moment he was on his feet, Edelgard had practically launched herself at him, nearly knocking him back over with a cry of “Hubert!” His heart soared, as always, at the way her face had lit up, the way she tilted her head back even as she clung to him in a crushing hug, beaming up at him. “I found you.”  


“Yes.” He had been unable to stop from smiling back. “Should I close my eyes now?”  


“No. I’m tired of playing.” She had pulled away from him only to take up a position beside him, taking his hand in hers. “Let’s just walk.”  


That afternoon, spent wandering the gardens, hand in hand, had been like so many others prior. Neither child had expected that to be the last time they would get to do so.  


Edelgard had gone away -- no, not gone, she had been taken. There was no other explanation. If it was just a trip, she would have told him. She always did. Instead, he had woken up and she had just been gone. It had taken him overhearing the adults talking to learn of her destination. Fhirdiad.  


Hubert had ached so terribly without her that he hadn’t paid mind to his screaming muscles three days into his journey. The ache had overridden everything. He had ached too much to spare thought to the corpses of his father’s people that he’d left behind, had ached too much to pay heed to how dangerously low his reserves of magic were, had ached too much to feel the burning in his hands, to notice the way that first his veins from fingers to wrists had been stained dark. He had noticed only after he had collapsed. The thought had been dull and distant, a muted realization of the way the tips of his fingers had gone inky, the coloring slowly fading into his pale skin near the heels of his palms.  


The overuse of his magic had scarred him. Those scars, in turn, became his constant reminder of failure to reach Edelgard. For months afterwards he tried everything he could think of to get rid of them. Faith magic had not helped in the slightest. Even slicing his palm open to try to bleed away the darkness had done nothing but earn him a scolding. Looking at his hands had made him sick. He hated them. Finally he hadn’t been able to take it anymore. Pulling his gloves on, watching the shame disappear beneath the white fabric, had begun to become a comfort. Though he didn’t deserve something like comfort after such a spectacular failure, he hadn’t been able to continue depriving himself of it.  


She had returned eventually. He had been so happy for only a moment. Edelgard was back, but everything was wrong. Her hair had somehow gone from brown to a stark silvery white. Eyes that he had so clearly remembered being bright and full of life were now blank. Her hands shook and she bore a frighteningly large collection of suspiciously precise scars. Hubert would never be able to forget the small flash of recognition and relief in her eyes as she reached for his hand -- nor would he be able to forget how that flash had been replaced by confusion and hurt as he jerked away from her touch.  


His hands had seemed to turn to ice beneath his gloves. He should have been able to reach her, to rescue her from whatever had happened. He no longer deserved to hold her hand. She should not taint herself with his failure.  


As the years passed, she had never asked why he refused to allow their hands to touch and he had never volunteered the information. It hadn’t been as if he had refused all contact entirely. He would still hold her to him on the nights that her dreams were particularly cruel, his lips brushing her hair while he sang quietly -- terrified of being caught and scolded by his father but unable to keep himself from trying to help soothe his lady. She would still brush gentle touches along his arm or cup his face in concern on the few occasions he had taken a beating that was meant to keep her in line. Still, their hands had not met again until their time at the Officers Academy, so many years later.  


They had been in battle, quelling a minor rebellion in Empire territory, when an enemy mage had caught Edelgard in a particularly powerful spell. The surge of magic had sent her heavily armored body crashing right into him, taking him to the ground. He had ignored the pain that flared through his torso at both impacts, and had thought that he had hidden in well enough when he brushed off her apologies and questions of his wellbeing. He must have let something, the barest small hint for Edelgard to read, slip because after the battle had ended, he had found himself alone with her.  


“Is it truly so wrong of me to worry for you?” she had demanded, and all of his protesting that she had much more important things than him to think of had seemed to fall on deaf ears. In the end, he had been forced to submit to her desire to check him for any serious injury. In the process, she had clasped one of his hands between both of her own for the first time since childhood. He had been ready to pull away, but this time she had made it vocally clear that she would rather he not. Although it was likely she would have still allowed him to regain their usual distance, Hubert had been unable to bring himself to ignore her when she spoke. He had held still, looking away, while she had peeled off his glove. Nothing was said of the scars that darkened his hand and, eventually, to break the silence, he had offered a cursory explanation of how he had obtained them.  


She had not tried to take his hand in hers after that. Perhaps it was simply out of respect for his own desire to avoid the contact, but Hubert had convinced himself that it was because she was as disgusted by his shameful stains as he was. It was not until five years later, after she had wrung his confession of love out of him and to his shock had admitted to her own feelings, that their hands had touched again. Edelgard had caught one of his between both of hers again, pushing up his glove to bring the heel of his palm to her lips. He had watched in stunned silence while she had removed his glove entirely to press more soft kisses along the scarred tissue. By the time her affections had moved to his other hand, he was fighting back tears.  


She’d taken great care that evening to work on correcting his idea of his scars. He’d heard many different variations of how they showed not his failure but his admirable devotion to her in the days after that. No matter how flustered he became, no matter his silent, overwhelmed tears as she lavished her tender attention on his magic-blackened hands, she had persisted. He had been only a boy, desperately fighting off grown men and women on an attempted solo journey from Enbarr to Fhirdiad, all for her. His hands were not anything to be ashamed of but rather a badge of loyalty that he should wear proudly.  


And one morning, when dressing himself for the day, he had reached for his gloves, hesitated, and then pulled back. Edelgard’s bright expression when she had seen his bare hands on display for all to behold that morning had made his heart melt in that way that only she was capable of.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. I would not have guessed that my first work on AO3 would be an Edelbert fic. But this idea caught in my head after several chats with my lovely friend Ashe and when it wouldn't go away, I figured I might as well. I certainly would never have ended up writing this without their influence (especially as one part of this fic came from an RP we did), so I take only partial credit here.
> 
> Obligatory (?) plug of the lovely 3H RP Discord server that I'm a part of. It's full of all sorts of delightful chaos and wonderful people. Please do check it out if you've an interest in such things. https://discord.gg/JmdVQGR


End file.
